My Love Goes Free

Sometimes I want to get lost in the past. I feel myself slipping away into memories and reminicsenses.

I miss so many things right now. My present life is wonderful, full, richly blessed, and gives me no reason to duck out for a moment. But I do, sometimes.

I miss haybale jumping, guitar playing, dreaming, planning, wishing, laughing, discussing (sometimes fighting), dancing, drinking tea, watching deep movies, watching silly movies (laughing histerically at the turtle dancing in Little Mermaid), late nights spent talking about life, or watching meteor showers.

I miss eye conversations, and the ocean of feelings that lay so much deeper than what we felt on the top.

We were to go live in tents, traveling around the world, sharing Jesus with people. And that's happened, for sure, just differently than we all expected.

Sweet, sweet days full of nature, community, dreams, music, freedom, and love. Comradery. I will always cherish those precious years.

"I believe in the future.
I may live in my car,
My radio tuned to
The voice of a star.
Song dogs barking at the break of dawn
Lightning pushes the edge of a thunderstorm
And these old hopes and fears
Still at my side."

-Paul Simon

Realization at 1:00am

Surrendering: the act of releasing something into the hands of the person who will inevitably win it over in the end.

Giving up: deciding it's not worth it.

Sometimes feeling like your life is a movie isn't all that great.

If there's one thing I'm thankful for, it's that there are very few places in this world I could go that don't have birds.

"In a world which contains the present moment," said Neville, "why discriminate? Nothing should be named lest by so doing we change it. Let it exist, this bank, this beauty, and I, for one instant, steeped in pleasure. The sun is hot. I see the river. I see trees specked and burnt in the autumn sunlight. Boats float past, through the red, thrrough the green. Far away a bell tolls, but not for death. There are bells that ring for life. A leaf falls, from joy. Oh, I am in love with life!"

[The Waves, Virginia Woolf]

For me, rebirth and new life comes with the Fall.

[She was my muse, you could say. Now she's my memory.]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nxm50mP07_8

"Don't you love missing people? Having people to miss?"

Rivers and roads, rivers till I reach you

Moving on isn't so much about closing the doors in your heart. It's about opening them, and letting the air circulate freely together - the old and the new, the past and the present, the painful and the hopeful, the sad and the happy.
I don't want my heart to be  closets and corners. I want it to be open halls and rooms.

He makes me new, He is making me new.

I know that Christianity isn't about "becoming who you want/need to be," it's only about Jesus. But part of the freedom we have with Him is being able to have a person to be. As long as it doesn't conflict with His perfect laws, we can be however we want to be.

Live every day like you have a purpose. Because you do.

It's better to go to sleep on an empty stomache with the knowledge that there'll be breakfast in the morning than to go to sleep full not knowing when the next meal will be.

I want to start running again

I could see for miles, miles, miles

I drove until I found some fields. Until I could see the sky and hear the cicadas. All I needed was some beauty, something real. I just listened to music, sang, drove. Stopped to pick some sunflowers from the side of the road. Maybe that's illegal? I don't know. I didn't get in trouble.

I thought a lot about home. How I miss those roads. Some part of me longs to back, and some part of me doesn't want to. Some part of me wants to say goodbye to everything, forever. I miss...something. Something that hasn't happened yet.

I'm moving, in a week and a half, to a brand new town. I only know a few people there, and, honestly, I probably won't see them much. Brand new people. I know there'll be uncanny connections that make me feel like I can't go far enough away. And yet, everything's behind me. I'm moving, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It's the best feeling I've ever felt, I think.

My need for change, for spontenaity, kind of scares me a little. I just finished my last adventure, just a few weeks ago, and I'm ready for a new one. Maybe, since the last year of my life has been so - changy - I can convince myself that settling down for a while is an adventure in itself? Sure. I can live with that.