On the wings of winter

To say that the last few months of my life have been devoid of inspiration would be an understatement.

I put down my camera around February and have barely touched it up until recently. I've been using my mom's old Minolta 35mm, though, and I have been pretty pleased with it. But the bond with my camera, and, more importantly, photography, has been pretty much severed.

I'm not typically one who talks about "inspiration" or losing and gaining it. I kind of thought of hobbies, talent, and passion as three separate things. Any photographic skills I posses have nothing to do with passion or "expressing" myself. Or, that's what I used to think.

I've been trying to re-build my relationship with my passions and hobbies. I did a photoshoot for a family on Sunday, and it went really well. I've been lugging my camera around everywhere with me again. I've been seeing moments as photographs again.

I've even been playing music again. I never really stopped playing my cello, though, admittedly it was mostly out of guilt knowing my parents are paying a monthly bill for me to keep it.

I found the sheet music to one of my soul songs a few days ago, and I've been working on it with the piano. It's difficult; it will take me a long time to master. The point is, I'm motivated to play it. I long for those notes to come out of my fingers, not just into my ears.

I've been wanting to paint very badly, as well. I haven't really had time to, but the important thing is that I want to. I want to create, even if to other people (and usually to myself as well), it's just blobs of pain on a canvas.

It's like I'm crawling back to an ex or something. I feel like I'm asking forgiveness from music, art, and books. Forgiveness for leaving; forgiveness for closing myself off emotionally from even them. I know I sound crazy. But I have a relationship with these things.

It's such a sweet release. Putting my finger to the trigger of my camera, having the knowledge that I know all it's nooks and crannies - I know it better than I know myself, it seems. It's an old part of my soul that, for some reason, I let go of several months back.

I feel as though having these things in my life restores some sort of normalcy. As I'm coming to re-know myself (another thing I don't usually believe in - the idea of 'knowing' or 'finding' oneself), I'm allowing these things to be in my life again.

I haven't come so far as to write music anymore. I don't know if I ever will again. But it's slowly seeping back into my soul, on the wings of winter, it seems. The blood of strangers that's been flowing in my veins for awhile now is being replaced with my own blood - the familiar warmth of myself.

Faith is the process of unlearning your irrational fears

How do we, as humans, find happiness? I understand that as Christians, joy comes from the Lord. But we still live life. Do we find happiness in being busy or social? Or is that because we've unlearned how to sit still?

I guess I'm just confused about life and living in general right now. I'm having that panic attack about having never felt true happiness before...sometimes I still feel broken. Sometimes I really just want to cry and drink coffee - like right now.

But what I really want is to be done with this world. What I really want is to see my mom and dad stop hurting, for my siblings to stop lying and cheating themselves, and to be forever in a place where complexes don't exist. What I really want is to be home.

"42, please. 42."...."last call for 42."

I hate days like this so much...I can't wait for winter and winter clothes and cold days. And long nights and movies. Except I might be in Africa! Haha, I hadn't even thought of that. I'd take Africa over Christmas any day. A year of summer...hm.

"Though I sit here in darkness, the Lord, the Lord alone, He will be my light."

Summer!

Is so close! I'm very excited for it.

I have those bittersweet feelings about graduating highschool, leaving my school, my job, and my church, but I know that I have so much more to explore.

I plan on spending the first half of my summer making things and reading. Oh, and playing my cello :).

I can't wait to have time to sew clothes, read a book a day, and go on forever walks to yellow fields.

I only have half a summer, because I'm doing a discipleship program the second half. But that only adds to my excitement!

Ahh, 8 days of highschool left. I just got really excited about it today, I hadn't really been thinking about it.

On another note, I bought my first real kitchen appliance the other day - a skillet. It's blue and I love it!

Anyways, I'm done with my random outbursts of excitement.

P.S. I'm thinking of getting my bangs cut like Alison Sudol's. Who knows?

"I was looking for silver spoons, you handed me a sword." - Jon Foreman

Last night was amazing. I've never had a worship experience like that. My hearbeat was replaced by a drum, my fingers turned into violins, my arms guitars, my legs tambourines and cellos, and my mouth was filled with glorious words. My whole body was working in rhythmn to praise the Lord.

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"God's heart is the poor, orphaned, and widowed."

• Amos 5:21-24 - "I hate, I despise your religious feasts; I cannot stand your assemblies. Even though you bring me burnt offerings and grain offereings, I will not accept them. Though you bring choice fellowship offerings, I will have no regard for them. Away with the noise of your songs! I will not listen to the music of your harps. But let Justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream."

Our worship means nothing unless we are doing something. God's heart is not us singing to Him. His heart yearns for us to take care of the poor, orphaned, and widowed. Our praise amounts to nothing unless we are doing that.

• James 2:14-19 - What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. But someone will say, "you have faith; I have deeds." Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do. You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that - and shudder.

I don't want this anymore - I want passion.

God, more of You, less of me. I give myself to You, move my feet, hands, and heart where You will. Lord, let me not die. Even on the most mundane Tuesday, I pray for passion. Lord, continue to break down these walls and to continue to feel.

Ahora Tenemos Miedo

I always write the weirdest things during Algebra:

I keep my thumbs hidden in the sleeves of my sweater. There's a bleach stain right on my second joint. Sorry for the details, I have a macro-minded mind. Smiles without eyes, that's what you give me. A parabola of a face, and a spider of hands. Crawl up the neck, draw the notes out. Out like a thread from a spool. As you pull, you don't hold my head; it spins around and around like Prudence, look around. But if you hold my head you can't pull the notes, so what will your life be? It's okay, I'd sacrifice my mind for you. I made the decision to be like this. I made the decision to be like this. I made the decision to be like this. I made the decision to be like this.

I don't know. It was an overload of graphing and frustration with my cello, I guess.

I got frustrated to the point of tears today for my lack of writing ability.

I hung out with one of my good friends this past weekend. It was interesting, I feel like God wanted us to hang out. Honestly, I didn't want to. I was feeling unsocial, and sometimes it's awkward with my friend.

But we had a really good time. We drove out to our other friend's house, listening to good music, and talking.

He's changed a lot. Well, let me put it this way - God is growing him. I talked to him as he was taking me home, and it was a really great conversation. I didn't feel guilty.

And then something crazy happened. He prayed for me.

I haven't had anyone do that, anyone that actually knows me, in a long time. Then I prayed for him. I haven't done that in a long time. It was so good. I felt like I had a true friend. I wish he didn't live in California :(.

It was a good time. A much-needed blessing.

From the Ocean to the Shore

Or vice-versa.

I will be graduating high-school in four weeks. I'll be gone one week, so technically I have three weeks of high-school left.

I'll be a legal adult in a few months.

My life is changing so quickly and dramatically, and my brain and heart are still stuck in September.

My question right now is, am I on the ocean right now, headed toward the shore? Or am I leaving the shore for the ocean?

It doesn't really matter which one is true, and I think I know which one is.

Loneliness is just a crime. Look each other in the eye, and say, "hello"

-Rosie Thomas

I've been learning so much lately.

Yesterday was an amazing day at work. I'm learning to be honest with myself and the people around me. I'm praying that God gives me discernment for when I'm being honest out of selfish ambition and sincerity, but I do believe that He has been blessing me with the ability to say what I feel.

Yesterday at lunch I talked to my 'brothers' and my best friend about my brain, and my head. I told them things I've never told anyone else. Not like that I've killed someone or anything, but I just let them in on the way my brain works most of them time. I told them about the signal for one's headlights being on looking like salt and pepper shakers turned on their sides about to kiss. I didn't tell them about Mr. Tambourine Man, but maybe I'll write an entry on that later.

I also told them about how I always think I'm crazy. About how one time I read an autobiography about a lady that was autistic, and how much I could relate to her. Not that I'm autistic, I know I'm not. But it just kind of freaked me out, and I guess ever since then I've believed I'm slightly crazy.

Not in the medicated way. I'm just different, I guess.

Anyways, they were very nice and understanding about it. Except one of my brothers kept messing up the table after I told them about how I can be really really OCD sometimes. I threw a napkin at his face, so it's okay.

I think the most important thing about yesterday was after the conversation, though. I felt really bad for talking about myself, and about such ridiculous things. So I apologized to both of them. I was going to quote one of the whole conversations, but I decided it would probably be really boring for anyone but me. One of my brothers really made sense to me, though. He helped me a lot. He made me fully explain why I was apologizing. First I told him, half jokingly (but not really) that it was because I have trust issues. He didn't laugh, he just smiled, but knew I was telling the truth. Then I told him it's because, first of all, I've never talked to anyone about those things before, and second of all, because I felt it had been bad timing and inappropriate. I mean, he just got back from Israel and had way cooler things to talk about.

He told me that he thinks that conversations like the one at lunch are never badly timed or inappropriate.

I believe him, because I know him.

My other brother, when I apologized, said, "why? It's okay to have friends. It's okay to open up."

I didn't say anything, just laughed at the irony, and shrugged.

I still feel weird about it. But I know them, and I know they are both sincere and trustworthy.

After these conversations, after the dance party, after another exhausting day of work, I ran out to my car and was stunned by the night. It's almost a full moon, it was really windy, and the lake was upset. I just stood there, with my arms outstretched, praising my Father for giving me such amazing brothers, and blessing me with such an amazing job. Then I just shut my mouth, and my head. I just felt the wind. It was cold, and didn't waver for a second. I stood there for maybe five minutes, and it never relented.

I've always felt God in the wind. Once, when my heart was broken, and I just needed someone to touch me, He sent a breath that touched nothing but my face. He reached down a finger and carressed my face. The Creator of the Universe.

The thing I love about wind is that it's gentle enough to get into the crevises of one's skin and body, but strong enough to move our molecules, and even sometimes enough to hold us up.

Just like God. With His hand he holds the Universes together. With the same hand He reaches down to touch His broken-hearted daughter.


Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for Love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyeilding as the grave. It burns like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench Love; Rivers cannot wash it away. - Song of Songs 8:6-7

God put that in the Bible for me. Whoa.

I guess I'm not as smart as I thought

So I just went through my old xanga and read a bunch of old posts. I was pleasantly surprised. I used to write a lot.

I miss writing, especially songs. I only remember two that I wrote about two years ago. I get so scared of what's going to come out of my fingertips that I just don't do it. In my head, my random thoughts don't make sense. I seem to forget that when I write them down, they tend to sort themselves out.

Throughout the days, I have random phrases stick out to me. I need to figure out why they stick out for me and how they connect. I think it'd be really beautiful.

All this to say, I'm going to start writing more.

And I'll probably post it all here. I feel weird about posting some things because of how personal they are, but I feel like I have the right to. I'll probably change my mind in the morning, though, haha.

Blue Like Jazz

It's kind of funny that the first three books I completed in this challenge were re-reads. Oh well, it's been years since, and I honestly couldn't remember much of any of them.

The first book I completed in 2010 was Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. It's basically him rambling about his life and weaving God into his ramblings. However, they are brilliant ramblings. Like I said, I've read this book before, but all I remembered was that it read a bit like Salinger's Catcher in the Rye, and that I liked it. Sooo I gave it another go.

I finished it in about 2 days. That's how good it is.

I'm not going to give away anything, because I think everyone should read this book.

The part I identified most with this time around was Miller's chapter on Loneliness. Just in the past year or so I've become much more of an introvert, and it's been harder and harder for me to be friendly and social and not go crazy.

"I am something of a recluse by nature. I am that cordless screwdriver that has to charge for twenty hours to earn ten minutes use. I need that much downtime."

"We see those cigarette advertisements with the rugged cowboy riding around alone on a horse, and we think that is strength, when, really, it is like setting your soul down on a couch and not exercising it. The soul needs to interact with other people to be healthy."

Some other quotes:

"It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things.

"I want my spirituality to rid me of hate, not give me reason for it."

"The entire world is falling apart because no one can admit they're wrong."

This book is one of the most honest, human, and relatable books I have ever read. Especially for me, because it seems Mr. Miller and I have pretty much the exact same mind. It helps me to read books like this, because I spend a lot of time reading other various theological books, and it's nice to get back to just life for awhile.

I want to ask you all to read this! Even if you're not a Christian, or anywhere near it, you should read this. I know I don't have a lot of credibility (reality check: none.), but from one human being to another, "read this book."

I didn't mean for this to turn into simply a book review, but I'm still trying to find a balance between talking about the book and giving the whole thing away. This one was especially hard, because I simply want to reiterate everything Miller said, but he says it much better.

Have you ever read any of Donald Miller's books? What did you think about them?

On Literature

"While thought exists, words are alive and literature becomes an escape, not from, but into living." - Cyril Connolly

Funny, that's the second quote I've seen today about the aliveness of words.

I went through a phase one time where I was extremely frustrated and angry at words. They ran from me, and when they had the guts to stay, they messed up and landed in a heap on the ground, worsening things rather than helping. I suppose you could say that I got pretty cynical about them. I thought about how empty they were. They were really nothing, just made up, synchronized noises that we made with that big, awkward red muscle and those white fence posts in our mouths. I got angry, because I thought that they were a waste, and they made no sense. They were just noises that "represented" real things. And usually not very accurately, at that.

I guess I still feel that way, to an extent. But the thing was, I was trying to give words meaning, a purpose. And other than for primitive communication, they serve no purpose. We simply have to enjoy the beauty of them, as we would a sunrise or sunset. They really have no effect on our lives initially, but on our souls? Oh, they are of utmost importance, essential to life! We'd (I'd) go crazy if I reduced everything in this world to it's purpose. Truth is, there are some things that are simply for the enrichment of the soul. Sure, you can explain it scientifically, but that's just lame. Why not just enjoy the beauty of the unnecessary?

I started this post simply to say that I'm going to start blogging a lot about the books I read. Got a little side-tracked...a little. Not to be ironic, but the *purpose* of this post is just to kind of give an introduction to what I have decided to do with this small space of the internet universe that is supposedly mine.

One of my 2010 goals is to read 50 books. It will be a challenge, but I've already done two, and am reading three right now. The books will be of no certain type, just ones that have meandered their way on to my list. I'm also going to try to get through some books that have been on my list for years, but have never made it to the top. One of those being one I'm reading right now, Pilgrim's Progress. Which, in case you were wondering, is insufferably boring and blatent. But I'm going to finish it, because I'm just that much of an atychiphobiac. I fear failure, that is. On the bright side, I'm determined!

I don't have time tonight to blog about any of the books, but I will get around to it soon! I would love any book suggestions, insite, or opinions!