Or vice-versa.
I will be graduating high-school in four weeks. I'll be gone one week, so technically I have three weeks of high-school left.
I'll be a legal adult in a few months.
My life is changing so quickly and dramatically, and my brain and heart are still stuck in September.
My question right now is, am I on the ocean right now, headed toward the shore? Or am I leaving the shore for the ocean?
It doesn't really matter which one is true, and I think I know which one is.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Loneliness is just a crime. Look each other in the eye, and say, "hello"
-Rosie Thomas
I've been learning so much lately.
Yesterday was an amazing day at work. I'm learning to be honest with myself and the people around me. I'm praying that God gives me discernment for when I'm being honest out of selfish ambition and sincerity, but I do believe that He has been blessing me with the ability to say what I feel.
Yesterday at lunch I talked to my 'brothers' and my best friend about my brain, and my head. I told them things I've never told anyone else. Not like that I've killed someone or anything, but I just let them in on the way my brain works most of them time. I told them about the signal for one's headlights being on looking like salt and pepper shakers turned on their sides about to kiss. I didn't tell them about Mr. Tambourine Man, but maybe I'll write an entry on that later.
I also told them about how I always think I'm crazy. About how one time I read an autobiography about a lady that was autistic, and how much I could relate to her. Not that I'm autistic, I know I'm not. But it just kind of freaked me out, and I guess ever since then I've believed I'm slightly crazy.
Not in the medicated way. I'm just different, I guess.
Anyways, they were very nice and understanding about it. Except one of my brothers kept messing up the table after I told them about how I can be really really OCD sometimes. I threw a napkin at his face, so it's okay.
I think the most important thing about yesterday was after the conversation, though. I felt really bad for talking about myself, and about such ridiculous things. So I apologized to both of them. I was going to quote one of the whole conversations, but I decided it would probably be really boring for anyone but me. One of my brothers really made sense to me, though. He helped me a lot. He made me fully explain why I was apologizing. First I told him, half jokingly (but not really) that it was because I have trust issues. He didn't laugh, he just smiled, but knew I was telling the truth. Then I told him it's because, first of all, I've never talked to anyone about those things before, and second of all, because I felt it had been bad timing and inappropriate. I mean, he just got back from Israel and had way cooler things to talk about.
He told me that he thinks that conversations like the one at lunch are never badly timed or inappropriate.
I believe him, because I know him.
My other brother, when I apologized, said, "why? It's okay to have friends. It's okay to open up."
I didn't say anything, just laughed at the irony, and shrugged.
I still feel weird about it. But I know them, and I know they are both sincere and trustworthy.
After these conversations, after the dance party, after another exhausting day of work, I ran out to my car and was stunned by the night. It's almost a full moon, it was really windy, and the lake was upset. I just stood there, with my arms outstretched, praising my Father for giving me such amazing brothers, and blessing me with such an amazing job. Then I just shut my mouth, and my head. I just felt the wind. It was cold, and didn't waver for a second. I stood there for maybe five minutes, and it never relented.
I've always felt God in the wind. Once, when my heart was broken, and I just needed someone to touch me, He sent a breath that touched nothing but my face. He reached down a finger and carressed my face. The Creator of the Universe.
The thing I love about wind is that it's gentle enough to get into the crevises of one's skin and body, but strong enough to move our molecules, and even sometimes enough to hold us up.
Just like God. With His hand he holds the Universes together. With the same hand He reaches down to touch His broken-hearted daughter.
Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for Love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyeilding as the grave. It burns like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench Love; Rivers cannot wash it away. - Song of Songs 8:6-7
God put that in the Bible for me. Whoa.
I've been learning so much lately.
Yesterday was an amazing day at work. I'm learning to be honest with myself and the people around me. I'm praying that God gives me discernment for when I'm being honest out of selfish ambition and sincerity, but I do believe that He has been blessing me with the ability to say what I feel.
Yesterday at lunch I talked to my 'brothers' and my best friend about my brain, and my head. I told them things I've never told anyone else. Not like that I've killed someone or anything, but I just let them in on the way my brain works most of them time. I told them about the signal for one's headlights being on looking like salt and pepper shakers turned on their sides about to kiss. I didn't tell them about Mr. Tambourine Man, but maybe I'll write an entry on that later.
I also told them about how I always think I'm crazy. About how one time I read an autobiography about a lady that was autistic, and how much I could relate to her. Not that I'm autistic, I know I'm not. But it just kind of freaked me out, and I guess ever since then I've believed I'm slightly crazy.
Not in the medicated way. I'm just different, I guess.
Anyways, they were very nice and understanding about it. Except one of my brothers kept messing up the table after I told them about how I can be really really OCD sometimes. I threw a napkin at his face, so it's okay.
I think the most important thing about yesterday was after the conversation, though. I felt really bad for talking about myself, and about such ridiculous things. So I apologized to both of them. I was going to quote one of the whole conversations, but I decided it would probably be really boring for anyone but me. One of my brothers really made sense to me, though. He helped me a lot. He made me fully explain why I was apologizing. First I told him, half jokingly (but not really) that it was because I have trust issues. He didn't laugh, he just smiled, but knew I was telling the truth. Then I told him it's because, first of all, I've never talked to anyone about those things before, and second of all, because I felt it had been bad timing and inappropriate. I mean, he just got back from Israel and had way cooler things to talk about.
He told me that he thinks that conversations like the one at lunch are never badly timed or inappropriate.
I believe him, because I know him.
My other brother, when I apologized, said, "why? It's okay to have friends. It's okay to open up."
I didn't say anything, just laughed at the irony, and shrugged.
I still feel weird about it. But I know them, and I know they are both sincere and trustworthy.
After these conversations, after the dance party, after another exhausting day of work, I ran out to my car and was stunned by the night. It's almost a full moon, it was really windy, and the lake was upset. I just stood there, with my arms outstretched, praising my Father for giving me such amazing brothers, and blessing me with such an amazing job. Then I just shut my mouth, and my head. I just felt the wind. It was cold, and didn't waver for a second. I stood there for maybe five minutes, and it never relented.
I've always felt God in the wind. Once, when my heart was broken, and I just needed someone to touch me, He sent a breath that touched nothing but my face. He reached down a finger and carressed my face. The Creator of the Universe.
The thing I love about wind is that it's gentle enough to get into the crevises of one's skin and body, but strong enough to move our molecules, and even sometimes enough to hold us up.
Just like God. With His hand he holds the Universes together. With the same hand He reaches down to touch His broken-hearted daughter.
Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for Love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyeilding as the grave. It burns like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench Love; Rivers cannot wash it away. - Song of Songs 8:6-7
God put that in the Bible for me. Whoa.
Monday, March 1, 2010
I guess I'm not as smart as I thought
So I just went through my old xanga and read a bunch of old posts. I was pleasantly surprised. I used to write a lot.
I miss writing, especially songs. I only remember two that I wrote about two years ago. I get so scared of what's going to come out of my fingertips that I just don't do it. In my head, my random thoughts don't make sense. I seem to forget that when I write them down, they tend to sort themselves out.
Throughout the days, I have random phrases stick out to me. I need to figure out why they stick out for me and how they connect. I think it'd be really beautiful.
All this to say, I'm going to start writing more.
And I'll probably post it all here. I feel weird about posting some things because of how personal they are, but I feel like I have the right to. I'll probably change my mind in the morning, though, haha.
I miss writing, especially songs. I only remember two that I wrote about two years ago. I get so scared of what's going to come out of my fingertips that I just don't do it. In my head, my random thoughts don't make sense. I seem to forget that when I write them down, they tend to sort themselves out.
Throughout the days, I have random phrases stick out to me. I need to figure out why they stick out for me and how they connect. I think it'd be really beautiful.
All this to say, I'm going to start writing more.
And I'll probably post it all here. I feel weird about posting some things because of how personal they are, but I feel like I have the right to. I'll probably change my mind in the morning, though, haha.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
